Explaining the Awakening

For a very long while now, I am sure those closest to me [and a few others] constantly will hear me quoting something simply entitled "The Awakening". People do not realise what it is exactly or where these quotes are coming from and it is something I never really spoke about until now for some reason.
  My father was a novelist and in fact just before he passed I was planning to join him on his book tour signing but shortly after he became ill and ultimately died. I still have the email from him where he was talking about his book tour and was excited I would travel with him and I was and am still exceptionally proud of my father for his accomplishments.
 "The Awakening" was the last manuscript my father was working on for his next work. Originally, he wrote the story about his experience living in French Vietnam/Thailand due to his work at the time. My father taught and his other projects ended my parents in Thailand to which we were all born. Not only that, in addition [such as my Godfather] most in Eastern Europe especially attended college elsewhere due to government restrictions, in fact my Godfather eventually attended and graduated from university in Paris. One reason we grew up speaking French as knowing Russian/Serbian. I was a small child coming here but my two older sisters returned to Thailand and Europe for their own college endeavors.
  Anyway, "The Awakening" was originally written about a man who lived in French Vietnam at the time. Ultimately, he met a lady fell in love and had a child. The two ultimately died and the child went to live with relatives where she endured a difficult life, but endured it all and found her own happiness.
  When I was younger, I always and I mean always thought the main character Dahlia was my older sister as she and my father were the closest. I was always the "black sheep" if you will of the family or always in the shadows considering coming from a family where everyone performed or had some amazing talent or gift. It wasn't however until I was older and just now even realising that Dahlia wasn't my oldest sister at all that in fact...Dahlia is me.
   I realised this when I finally brought myself to read my father's last book and he autographed it and wrote a passage. This made me realise that as a father how much he actually cared about me as a daughter and even though I was so stubborn in a sense failed to notice it. I still haven't brought myself to finish all of my father's last book, because it is difficult and people always ask why don't I talk about my parents since they were "so famous" either way what people fail to understand is that I was/still am close to my parents and my parents are no longer living. It is because it's difficult to talk about them am I proud of them absolutely every single day. I was blessed enough to come from two very creative and talented individuals and so thankful for the time spent with them here on Earth even though it wasn't as long as was hoping but they left me with enough wisdom to last a long time as did my brother.
  In the past people have made really horrible comments and mocked my family which is rather disrespectful yes especially when don't even personally know me or my family/parents. But they expressed a great deal through their art and creativity and that does resonate within me; think this is why I am no longer afraid to be a performer or to express myself more creatively. It's okay to come out from the shadows and be my own person if I want to remain in nursing always or be a performer or do both even it is strictly my choice and nothing wrong with that at all.
   But in the end Dahlia was similar to Alice [from Alice in Wonderland] and my father would always joke that I reminded him of Alice. She's very strong but doesn't realise it at least not until the end. She is "beautiful" but not in that typical super model type of beautiful most would assume but she is in her own quirky way and there is something that draws people towards her...she is a lighthouse.
  I didn't realise this once again until reading what my father had written at the beginning of the book he gave me, and recently someone told me I was a lighthouse. It just never dawned on me. So, my father left me this manuscript before he passed and he was hoping I would complete it somehow and reading it, I just realised he had written my life story until he died and it was up to me to write my own destiny.
  The moral of the story is our fate is determined by the choices we make in life nothing is ever set in stone. Everyday is our own novel.

I miss you Papa.

Natalie

"People ought to think of her as such; she is after all an amazing catch which is much to say about the women here in Lilac-Palisades. If only she knew how much beauty resonated not only on the outside but the inside as well and also how much men are actually drawn to her. They see her as a challenge attempting to win her hand and convincing her to marry them. You'd be shocked to learn who would love to place a ring on her finger. Dahlia is stubborn as they come and of course she'll fight it off just because of her pride and independence. She's worse than Scarlett O' Hara as they say. Indeed she is. Beautiful but good luck and may the best man win"

for a special friend [repost] Psalm 119:105

because he needs support right now

Take a deep breath

This world that surrounds you gets

 Deeper and darker 

The further you go

Hold my hand

I will lead you out of here

But you have to choose to if you turn around

Take my hand I will lead you out

Of this darkness you have found

Your past is on your heels now

You're not out of the woods yet

Out of the woods yet....

Take a few pills

They will numb your senses

So you won't have to feel at all

Drink some alcohol for the memories

Drink them away

Drink them away...

Take my hand I will lead you out

Of this darkness you have found

Your past is on your heels now

You're not out of the woods yet

The world only gets deeper 

Only gets darker

The further you go

Take my hand I will lead you out

Of this you have darkness you found

Your past is on your heels now

You're not out of the woods yet

There's a lamp at your feet

It will guide you when all of the

Other lights go out

Just follow my words

And I'll show you how

To get out of the woods now

-Out of the Woods

My independent/foreign language film addiction

Here are some of my favourite foreign language/independent films:

this is based on the book Wives & Concubines which I also recommend for reading, both are very great especially in examining relationships between other women and people in general. I also adore Gong Li she is such a talented actress and have loved practically everything she has been in.



Eat Drink Man Woman. I fell in love with this film especially since having older sisters and a brother, this is what most of our family gatherings looked like.


if psychological thrillers are more up your alley....


I think most Slavic kids know this one for action and Sergei Bodrov...memory eternal


one of my all time favourites. I think this is one of the most amazing love stories in a sense because it is one you wouldn't expect

my message to the haters

People lately have been asking me why I have the separate facebook account and about the @pagerworld twitter account. Actually, if anything I am [and everyone else should] be grateful because they are supporting and promoting events, causes that I am affiliated with as many of those who I am close to. Yes, I also know the individuals who the run site as one of them is my cousin. She has been gracious enough and supportive enough [as the rest of my family] in me becoming a performer and she like anyone else wants to support events that I am attending, shows I am doing and things of that nature. Why would someone criticize this I feel is completely arrogant and ignorant to the fact that they themselves are also being promoted and supported. It is something that we all are supposed to together as a unit so to be completely blatant and disrespectful shows a lot about how people are as individuals. 
My cousin and a close friend decided to make another account because for one they are tired of seeing all the disrespectful comments and basically bullying/harassment that has been coming from a few individuals for some time now. My friends and others I know see the comments and the only reason they do not respond is because they feel it would make the situation worse for me. I have chosen to ignore it because it does not bother me and I believe shading someone over the internet is childish and is lacking of courage given the general nature people are unable to express these comments to me personally. Now when someone decides to harass me via my own personal social media sites yes I have the right to take action and not deal with unnecessary “drama” that some seem so intent to create over nothing. 
I am so very thankful for everyone at PagerWorld who run both the FB and twitter account because of my schedule it is becoming more difficult to keep up with things and the only reason I do post online is because 99.9% of the time I access any social media site is via my cell phone. No one has time to sit in front of a computer relentlessly…at least I do not.
I am all about trying to pursue my dreams and encourage others and it would be grand if others could do the same, and I am not sure if it is jealousy or out of boredom [quite possibly both] that people feel the constant need to criticise my life. I do not put myself off as “famous” or better than anyone else but if people are so insecure and threatened by the concept that I am…then perhaps I am. If I am not “famous” then why do people whom I don’t even know feel the constant need to talk about my life and those I choose to keep in it.
In the end, the emotional maturity of some leaves me questioning if bullying ever ends after we are finished with school and the answer is no it doesn’t. Some talk about the hate they receive via twitter but for me it mainly has been facebook, the users are literally from Hell.
Focus on something that is positive and not be so engulfed in another person’s life, because truly at the end of the day neither one of you cross my mind. Some people need drama and to belittle others to feel and remain relevant and that is the real pathetic issue at hand.”

final cut romeo + juliet

i want you to know 

that it breaks my heart
 when i see you cry
and when i see all of the hurt
that you carry inside

and know you said that were bad days

when you felt alone

and your heart might be broken
and the world may be
trying to get to you

just open your eyes

cause i see you 

and hope one day 

you'll see me too

but i understand that she is  your Rosaline
but don’t let her win and see you cry
you’re at a flatline
but don’t let her see you cry

want you to know

that not everyone will break your trust

and want you to know that not
everyone will break your heart
but this road is hard when
your world's a stage

and you deserve so much more

than what you realise

and i understand she is your rosaline

but don't let her win and see you cry

just try to be strong and hold on

know that day will come when 

you'll find everything you're looking for
and if loving you means
letting you go

 while waiting for the storm to pass

and should you choose to stay here

i would support your choice

and you should know that

i'll always care and will be there

cause i’ve decided to see you through this

and i understand she is your rosaline

but don't let her win and see you cry

you’re at a flatline
but don’t let her win and see you cry

but we forget that romeo loved
rosaline before he met juliet
 so our story isn't set

but i  understand she is your rosaline
don't let her win and see you cry
you’re at a flatline
so just be strong and hold on
because you’re heart will be revived….

I'm choosing my own life path now....

Rain, rain, rain on my mind
I've got a secret life
Wipe, wipe, wipe it away
Nothing can make me dry

Fight all the while
Fight 'til I think I'm free
Feel rains we never see
Beautiful secret lives

It can make you face all your fears
It can make you face all your fears

 smile, smile in a day
Fear takes its place at night
 I'm pretty in the rain
I love your secret life

It can make you face all your fears
It can make you face all your fears.

I could leave you well enough alone
Believe and you'll be overcome and gone
By grace away
Better off than if I stayed
I could leave you well enough alone
Believe and you'll be overcome and gone
By grace away
Better off than if I stayed

I could leave you walk away
We'll save it for another day
Through all the wars I've come to know
It's punches pulled, not towels thrown in

When they come knocking on your heart's door
Choose the one who loves you more
And when you've found something to die for
(Make you face all your fears)
They'll be knocking on your heart's door
(Make you face all your fears)
When they come knocking on your heart's door
(Make you face all your fears)
Choose the one who loves you more
(Make you face all your fears)
And when you've found something to die for
(Make you face all your fears)
They'll be knocking on your heart's door
(Make you face all your fears)
When they come knocking on your heart's door
(Make you face all your fears)
Choose the one who loves you more
(Make you)

-Copeland