symphony of blase

last night I tweeted about finding out who your true besties are and it is something that recently I have been dealing with but hadn't said too much until now. I don't relate to many people and the few super close friends are amazing to me, yet guess in time we grow apart and our lives change. Another sad aspect in all this is when people are so consumed with pursuing fame that it changes us entirely; one thing my Mum always told me is try to remain grateful and humble and certainly hope I am able to do that over time. Yet, life experiences as I am learning can change us from time to time and think with some people being "famous" is far more important than anything else and that negativity [especially when there is no balance or strong support system] makes us into something else entirely...almost like the film Black Swan. I have three friends whom I still remain super close to and their friendship means everything in the world, but like I mentioned earlier it is a learning experience even now I am still growing and learning as a person and just learning who is truly there and who isn't.

double header....

**apologies because I couldn't figure out the accents on here
**excuses parce que je n'arrivais pas à comprendre les accents sur ici


Un jour, j'etais agee deja, dans le hall d'un lieu public, un homme est venu vers moi. Il s'est fait connaitre et il m'a dit: <<Je vous connais depuis toujours. Tout le monde dit que vous etiez belle lorsque vous etiez jeune, je suis venu pour vous dire que pour moi je vous trouve plus belle maintenant que lorsque vous etiez jeune, j'aimais moins votre visage de jeune femme que celui que vous avez maintenant, devaste>>

-l'amant, par Marguerite Duras.

random Q & As

so felt like answering some random Q & A questions [and I always enjoy reading the questions lol] 

Q: Your favorite ice cream flavor?
A: strawberry...but I love Jeni's ice cream so amazing!

Q: Your favorite cookie?
A: oatmeal and raisin....I also love those molasses cookies

Q: Favorite restaurant?
A: I don't really have one!! I do love Thai food because it is what I grew up eating a lot and Russian food so anyplace with those yea...I'm good and us Slavs love to eat :-p

Q: Do you feel more Native American or Slavic culturally?
A: good question!! I grew up with the influence of both and for me it is finding a balance but have to admit my Dad's genes are pretty strong in me LOL. I am definitely Eastern European personality wise in so many ways.

Q: You are songwriting again?
A: Yes. I began writing more after what happened with my brother; that whole experience and have been am still going through a bit and it is just my way of expressing all of those emotions. I write music to communicate sounds weird but always have and probably always will.

Q: There are musicians in your family...like alot?
A: Yes. My Mum and my brother both were musicians and even my eldest sister plays the acoustic guitar exceptionally well so yea we've been surrounded by music all our lives and are passionate about it in some form or another.

Q: so Romeo + Juliet you already explained the story behind it?
A: yes, I basically wrote it because I saw someone going through something I went through not too long ago and could somewhat relate and telling him to be strong, he will make it through and people do see and listen...hear his story.

Q: Who is Craig Smith?
A: he is a long time friend and mentor in music he and I collaborate often and the inside joke is that he is Neil Gaiman and I am Tori Amos. You know, some random guy she mentions in songs haha. No, but he has been an amazing mentor music wise and is quite talented himself so I feel grateful for his friendship over the years.

Q: Dating...what kind of guys?
A: I know I mentioned wouldn't discuss personal stuff but I would have to date someone whom I admire and have the utmost respect for, also someone who challenges me meaning makes me push myself in some way or another. Also someone who is humble and down to Earth and honest/genuine. Someone who is kind and generous and most definitely a wicked sense of humour. I have a big sense of humour and he would definitely have to be able to laugh...like for long periods of time.That is one thing I know I inherited from my Mum her quirky British humour so yea. 

Q: Thoughts on burlesque and performing and being recognized?
A: Well, it was just something I splunked into pretty much, being a dance kid many of my friends started getting into it I would go watch them perform and so finally just went into it. I am not big on going nude which was my own personal decision for various reasons and yea recently was recognized. I had someone fangirl me...it was the coolest yet interesting moment thus far; I will always see myself as just a girl who is chasing dreams and living life to the fullest.

Q: Maturing and performing?
A: yea, it is hard. I have grown quite a bit between then and now. I am still learning not perfect but that is the purpose of life we learn from our mistakes, but as far regrets go I have none whatsoever. Probably the only regret I do have is I wish could have more time with my parents and brother. But yea, people tell me "oh you're young, blah blah" yea but it's still quite a bit and what affects me may not affect someone else and vice versa we all have our scars from life though.

fear of falling is....[prelude to umbrella]

...is not knowing if that person will actually be there to catch you; if you're taking a risk on an empty notion in that smallest thought of him not knowing who you are. It's wondering if that person sees you just as much as you see him, or if his words are offerings to keep hope alive on a string. I've been down that road before, where many offer just simple promises and never deliver, they have joy out of watching girls fall only to crash in the end. It's the suffering of not knowing that kills me everyday and that is why I have an umbrella it's my safety net and let's me fall slowly, not so fast so I don't get hurt in the process but the main question is...do I keep holding on to it..the fears, the uncertainty,  or let it go?....but that is why we have faith and that is why we believe...because faith is the assurance of things unseen that have yet to come.....

story behind romeo + juliet

a little while ago I posted lyrics to a song I had written entitled romeo + juliet  and just had many people ask what is the song about. Well first and foremost it isn't a "diss" towards anyone; really wanted to make that point clear. Overall the song is my perspective of events that had been going on and being in a similar situation; it is also reflective and reminding us that many times we focus so much on one person [who may or may not be good for us] yet there is someone else right there in which the right moment was waiting for us to really open our eyes...basically Romeo was in love with Rosaline before he saw Juliet. It is also my personal experience because how many times have we noticed someone or wonder if that person notices us in return? Yes, I at times even do the same because I am human like everyone else. It is also telling him to be strong and don't let people get the best of him and things will turn around; but also saying hey, have feelings for this person too...so what will happen never know.


xoxo

Nat

fumbling towards ecstasy....

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy is one of my favourite albums by Sarah McLachlan [well one of my favourite albums in general] and it just describes my life right now...you know you get to a point where let all of the past stuff go and want to move forward in life letting go of fears...so I am deciding to let myself fall in hopes he will catch me....

believe....

I am going to be completely honest; like many I am excited for the acoustic album to be released on January 29. But, I think there is something about music in general that makes me exceedingly happy as a person and having a Mum as a musician it makes me appreciate what musicians do so much more. I honestly think it is a huge risk for any performer because he or she is putting a small piece of themselves out there for the world to see and think as well everyone is in their own way is telling us a story it's just up to the public to decide how open and willing to listen. So basically, I have nothing but utmost respect for musicians as a whole and just being open with millions of people has to be frightening at times and I feel the same way when it comes to dancing/choreography never know if people truly are understanding what as an artist trying to communicate. Nonetheless, cannot wait to hear it, and really listen because know he has quite a bit to say.....<3